10 Reasons Why Toddlers Will Survive The Apocalypse Better Than You

Toddler-with-Fist

My dear daughter is at a tender age of two.  Within those two years, I think I aged 20 years.  But who would have thought that all those toddler qualities would make them the most excellent preppers :)

#1 – They seemingly need no nourishment!

I can’t go without breakfast without withering in hunger pains several hours later (I would suck at the apocalypse).  My toddler seemingly defies natures and is perfectly content for the entire day on a handful of Cheerios.  Buy 3 family size packs of Cheerios and your toddler has a 1 year supply of food.

#2 – They are excellent at psychological warfare!

Toddlers are brutal and will tear grown men down.  There is no negotiating with a toddler…face it, they are going to win.  Like a hostage negotiation film, you give them what they want (e.g. – toast), but they will execute you as it’s slightly more or less brown that what it should be.  Think they are soft and that you can bribe them with a piece of candy?  Good luck, they’ll take it, eat it, and ask for more…you’re back @ square 1.  Put your toddler at the forefront of any negotiations with strangers.  Need proof?  How about Will Farrel’s Toddler Landlord…

#3 – Sleep is optional!

Yet again, toddlers defy the laws of nature by deploying some type of witchcraft which allows them to go day and night without sleep.  This is compared to my poor body which is now needing 3+ cups (and no, not US measurement but supersize containers) of coffee.  If you bug out for days, your butt will be passed out while your toddler is still running circles around trees.

#4 – They are GREAT at bait and switch!

You approach a toddler and they look like this:

Puss_in_Boots_Eyes

One second later they release Hell’s angels like this:

anger-management-for-children

Toddler One (1), You zero (0).  Watch in pleasure as your enemies scatter for the hills.

#5 – They possess Toddler Fury

This could be within #4, but it is deserving of its own number.  A toddler has no need for morale boosting in order to get their war face on; no motivational speeches or war face paint…When they turn angry, a toddlernado is unleashed in mere milliseconds and you wish you never even saw the kid.

It is still unbeknownst to me why the toddler group hasn’t already made the DHS terrorist watch list.

bh

#6 – They are Pure Narcissists

Psychology has proven that many of the world’s and corporate leaders are all narcissists.  They forgot a category…toddlers.  Make no mistake, if a toddler is presented with a survival situation of preserving them self or helping another person, they will choose self.  The toddler prepared with their 3 family size boxes of Cheerios and you didn’t?  TOUGH, they aren’t sharing!

#7 – They Insist on Acquiring Life Skills

ME: “Here, let me help you put on your shirt”

Toddler: “No, I do it.”

ME: “Let me help you down”

Toddler: “No, I do it.”

ME: “Daddy has to work on the computer.”

Toddler: “No, I do it.”

Compared to your inactive, overweight prepper, toddlers will definitely acquire the power of knowledge way before them!

#8 – They Fight Dirty

In the post apocalyptic world, you have to ditch the normalcy of life.  There is no more playing by the rules.  There is no such thing as a clean fight.  You fight dirty, and you fight hard.  With natural instincts like that of Mike Tyson on Evander Holyfield, toddlers bite, spit, punch, and God knows what else to their opponents.  Dirty little (expletive)….

bite

#9 – They are Excellent Thieves

My wedding ring has been taken by my toddler (either secretively or by force) several times.  Luckily, I caught her before she could pawn it off.  All your personal possessions are fair game to the toddler thief in the night.  Need to do a city run to get supplies?  Don’t rely on Glenn from The Walking Dead, just grab a toddler.

#10 – They Use Cache’s Effectively

After they have stolen your goods, they find the most creative ways to cache them.  While the adult preppers are digging holes and burying their supplies, the toddler is being more efficient by using everything from the slot of the VCR, air vent/ducts and other obscure areas to hide their goods.

People say preppers with kids are at a severe disadvantage.  I disagree :)
How does the saying go?  “When the world ends, there will only be cockroaches…and toddlers.”

If you don’t have one, you better get started procreating.

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